Something this morning made me get up from my slumber and head back to the place that had haunted me in my dreams. After making a cup of coffee, extra strong to snap open my eyes and mind, I sit down at my computer and search out the simplest way to return to the seaside. How many years has it been then.... since I sat on the beach, felt the salty spray of ocean breeze against my face, and cast my dreams and hopes into the pounding surf. What is this insistent yearning, longing to get back to the beach of my girlhood memories? And why now, when life has come full circle, when the dreams and hopes cast into the sea have come and gone again and again and again, like the waves on that long ago ocean?
Yet there is the memory caught in my mind.... as the wheels hum on the highway, I find myself humming along... it comes to me.... the voice, the song from my dream. Her voice, clear as the morning sun bouncing off the waves..... 'come to me, come to me, come to me,.....put down your work..... come back come back.... come to me.....
Hastily I pitch my apple core into the long grass by the rest stop, and jump back into my car. The snap of the seatbelt sounds like a large wave clapping the dock- I need to hurry now, the beach is calling me louder and more insistently. I pull out without looking back, heading into the early afternoon, anxious to get to the shore. I check the scenery flying by and realize I have left the familiar green of the mountains and sense the oncoming coastline lurking, taunting in the distance.
I shake my head and wonder, where did that shouting down the storm child go? What became of the girl who's power and confidence taunted the force of nature, and stood strong and firm in her own power? Maybe this is why the sea is calling me back. Maybe I need to find that little girl who sat with me on the beach and created beauty from the broken and bruised remnents of life cast upon the shore. Will she be there.... will she wait for me? WIll I even know her anymore...
I cannot get there fast enough. My heart cannot take this constant slap slap slap of the waves rocking my soul. I am breathless and a bit dazed as I see the signs that will lead me to my dream, my destination. Hmmm. a Starbucks springs up in front of me, and other new signs of life that are not familiar. But as I weave my way towards the shoreline, things begin to look less new, less changed by progress and society. I find a place to pull in along the road, not wanting to park in some public place, so I can wind my way back to the "place" where my heart is leading me. I kick off my shoes, grab my bag, lock my car and scramble up the sand dune.
The warm gritty feel of sand grasps my feet and welcomes me back to this place. I stop and take a long slow breath in. My heart, thumping and pounding begins to slow and calm down. I spend a few long heady moments simpy breathing in and out the sharp. cool saltair. I scan the shoreline, looking for her. Nothing. I look up and down the beach, all is quiet. The sun is slowly moving towards sthe edge of the water. it will be dark soon. I must hurry to find "our place" the rocky nest that sheltered our play, that held us in the storms, and became our home and dreamcasting studio.
I stumble and find myself kneeling in the sand, waves gently catch me, and help me land softly into the warm sand. And now the tidal wave of tears are unleashed. Torrential waves of tears and sorrow let loose upon the sand. Kneeling, I hug myself and collapse forward into the sea. The water envelops me like a womb, and i rest here as the sobs and shaking subside.
I have no idea how long I lie this way, the soft hum of the sea against my ears lulls me into a cradle of gossamer light and warmth. The sky around me is darker now, stars begin to peak out from their celestial abode. I slowly pull myself back into the present. My clothes are wet and soggy. My face and hands are smeared with sand and salt. I gaze at myself in total surprise. I pull off my soaking clothes and plunge myself into the surf. I swim out into the deep inhaling the smells and scents of the sea. It would be so easy to just let the waves carry me away- to surrender to their power and strength. I lay back and wait.
Something begins to sing- that song from my dream.... 'come to me, come to me, come to me.... put down your worry, come back, come back, come to me'. It's the girl from the beach, her voice is clear as as the evening stars bouncing off the waves. I turn my head to shore. Yes! There she is! She is waving me in. She is calling me. She is singing for me! I turn myself around and swim back to her.
I look around, no - no - no! She was here I know it. She called to me. She sang me back from the depths. Why did she leave before I got back? I cannot believe this- I am standing here naked and cold, and confused. This isn't what I expected. This isn't fair.